We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
sin harder.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football