Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
You Might Also Like
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.