Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
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*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I like crazy people until they notice me
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return