Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Not my job 😂
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”