Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.