I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
You Might Also Like
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.