Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My kitchen overserved me.