Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Mountain Goat : )
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.