“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed