Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
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Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?