@GABBYdaAngSaya: 911: What's your emergency, sir? Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being- 911: Please don't do this, sir M: AbDUCKted! 911: *hangs up*

@mzyvonne7: There is no "we" in pizza

@rachelle_mandik: [in the insect dissection room] Your fly is open.

@DannyZuker: "No woman, no cry." - Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

@jakob_huber: *meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime