“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.