“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
This classic never gets old . . .
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I have never related to anyone more.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.