Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
🙋♀️
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?