“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts