“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Story of my life…..
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
What?