“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
This is not me but this is me
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?