Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I love twitter
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.