Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
my mom making me talk to relatives
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most