Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
guys I’m going home
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My dog after a walk in the woods.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee