[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
😏😏😏
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?