Moms. The original autocorrect.
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
The Compass
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Meat Cute
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood