Moms. The original autocorrect.
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Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.