“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
LOOOOOOL
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
me after drinking all the wine:
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.