Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.