Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
What even happened today?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.