Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job