Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Who says great literature is dead?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.