@Thedudish: Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God's cat jumped on the keyboard.
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@stephenjmolloy: "Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption" the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
@iAmDelFreaky: *sticks hand into jean pocket* Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket? *checks other pocket and finds nuggets* Oh, ok.
@5exyunchained: A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.
@jazmasta: "David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"