Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
he looks great for his age
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.