Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up