therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
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Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Brands during Pride
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Cheers Twitter.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*