I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
You Might Also Like
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
RT if you could go either way.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews