@LoverOfComics94: Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?" Me: "Yep" Guy: "You smoke?" Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."
@caribbeankris: I've kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it's like to raise an "ungrateful little prick"
@WilliamRodgers: TRUE STORY Just made this restaurant change its "All you can drink Brunch" Policy.
@therealeatwood: ME: [spraying hose to make a rainbow over a bear trap] WIFE: stop trying to trap a leprechaun ME: I really want a pot of gold or some cereal