Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
This could be us… but you playing
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
monday
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.