Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
this is funnier than any friends episode
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton