Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
And now we wait
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx