My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
You Might Also Like
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood