@novicefather: "Money isn't everything," I say, poorly.
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@WeissBrandon: YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!! ~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.
@bourgeoisalien: [robber breaks into my house] i always knew you'd come for me, my darling. where are you going
@jackiembouvier: Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?