friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes