Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Choose your fighter
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*frowns in Scottish*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming