Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Oh we’ve met.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.