Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.