Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating