Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
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[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
how many bears make up a bear minimum
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot