well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.