They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.