Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips