*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.