[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
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English teacher: I’m listening
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me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
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Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*