*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Choose your fighter
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Oops I deleted….
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business