[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
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[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
accurate
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?