Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
You Might Also Like
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Breakfast for Stoners:
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Thoughts
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.